Holy Humor

Seen on Church Bulletin Boards around the USA

"Fight truth decay -- study the Bible daily."

"People are like tea bags -- you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."

"Dusty Bibles lead to dirty lives."

"God so loved the world that He did NOT send a committee."

"Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"

"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah...he came out all right."

"How will you spend eternity? Smoking or Non-smoking?"

"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."

"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low, but the retirement benefits are out of this world!"

"Economic Forecast: It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."

"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."

"If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."

"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."

"In the dark? Follow the Son."

"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep--talk to the Shepherd."
--Selected from Bill's Punch Line

Moses and the Talking Bush

I have a joke I saw today about Moses that I just want to share with you. I hope you enjoy it. I needed a good laugh after a hard day today, and this provided the "medicine of laughter" that brightened the afternoon. You may think it's silly, but it worked for me! Here goes:

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?" The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?" The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am."

George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert"

Obeying the Holy Spirit

This may be the most exciting witnessing experience I have ever heard of in my whole life. I had it told to me this past week and must tell about it now.

A young couple moved to another town several years ago. Across the street was a 65-year-old man and his 87-year-old mother. For several years the wife of this couple felt burdened to witness to this man and his mother, but fear held her back.

This wife took the Evangelism Explosion training for soul-winning. The burden for sharing the gospel with her neighbors grew stronger and stronger, but still she put it off. Finally, ten years after moving in she determined she was going to give them the gospel. She called a couple of friends and had them pray for her as she went.

When she got over there fear gripped her heart and she hardly knew what to say. She told them about taking the training and needed to practice making the presentation and asked if they would let her "practice" on them. They consented and she began the presentation. She said she made a mess of it and mixed it all up and forgot part of it. When she finished she felt terrible and just knew they were not interested. She asked if it made sense to them and they both said it did. It shocked her! Then she asked if they would like to pray and receive the Lord Jesus and to her utter amazement they both said they would.

When they finished praying they both said they were now saved, but showed absolutely no emotion. She left them with doubt as to whether they were really saved and felt almost depressed and that she had failed. She asked the dear Lord to somehow let her know if it was real or not.

Several weeks later she had a knock at her door. A man asked if this was where the "preacher lady" lived. She said there was no preacher living there. Then he asked for her by name and she acknowledged that was she. He then said he was the son of the man across the street and that he himself was a preacher. He said he had been praying for his dad, to be saved for years. Every time he tried to talk to his dad, he would leave the room and not listen to his preacher son. But now, his dad had called him and told him about the lady across the street who had come over and both he and his mother had been saved. The preacher was so thrilled he had to come over and thank her and rejoice that his father and grandmother had been saved! They wept together and the angels of heaven rejoiced together for the great victory that had been won.

She felt she had fumbled and failed, but God takes the weak things and does mighty things. As I heard this I wondered how many reading this may have missed being the answer to someone's prayers by not obeying the urging of the Holy Spirit to share the gospel no matter how inadequate they may feel. Obey God. Get in on it!

ABC

While walking through the woods one day, I was surprised to hear a child's voice. I followed the sound, trying in vain to understand the child's words. When I spotted a boy perched on a rock, I realized why his words had made no sense: He was repeating the alphabet.

"Why are you saying your ABC's so many times?" I asked him.

The child replied, "I'm saying my prayers."

I couldn't help but laugh. "Prayers? All I hear is the alphabet."

Patiently the child explained, "Well, I don't know all the words, so I give God the letters. He knows what I'm trying to say."

Anyway

People are unreasonable, illogical and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People really need help but may attack you if you help them.
Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, It is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

The Empty Chair

A man's daughter had asked the local minister to come and pray with her father. When the minister arrived, he found the man lying in bed with his head propped up on two pillows. An empty chair sat beside his bed.

The minister assumed that the old fellow had been informed of his visit. "I guess you were expecting me," he said.

"No, who are you?" said the father.

The minister told him his name and then remarked, "I see the empty chair; I figured you knew I was going to show up."

"Oh yeah, the chair," said the bedridden man. "Would you mind closing the door?"

Puzzled, the minister shut the door. "I have never told anyone this, not even my daughter," said the man. "But all of my life I have never known how to pray. At church I used to hear the pastor talk about prayer, but it went right over my head." "I abandoned any attempt at prayer," the old man continued, "until one day about four years ago my best friend said to me, 'Johnny, prayer is just a simple matter of having conversation with Jesus. Here is what I suggest."

"Sit down in a chair; place an empty chair in front of you, and in faith see Jesus on the chair. It's not spooky because he promised, "I'll be with you always. "Then just speak to him in the same way you're doing with me right now." "So, I tried it and I've liked it so much that I do it a couple of hours every day. I'm careful though. If my daughter saw me talking to an empty chair, she'd either have a nervous breakdown or send me off to the funny farm."

The minister was deeply moved by the story and encouraged the old man to continue on the journey. Then he prayed with him, anointed him with oil, and returned to the church. Two nights after the daughter called to tell the minister that her daddy had died that afternoon. "Did he die in peace?" he asked. "Yes, when I left the house about two o' clock, he called me over to his bedside, told me he loved me and kissed me on the cheek. When I got back from the store an hour later, I found him dead. "But there was something strange about his death. Apparently, just before Daddy died, he leaned over and rested his head on the chair beside the bed. What do you make of that?" The minister wiped a tear from his eye and said, "I wish we could all go like that."

The Power of Words

A group of frogs were traveling through the woods, and two of them fell into a deep pit. All the other frogs gathered around the pit. When they saw how deep the pit was, they told the unfortunate frogs they would never get out. The two frogs ignored the comments and tried to jump up out of the pit. The other frogs kept telling them to stop, that they were as good as dead.

Finally, one of the frogs took heed to what the other frogs were saying and simply gave up. He fell down and died. The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Once again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and suffering and just die. He jumped even harder and finally made it out.

When he got out, the other frogs asked him, "Why did you continue jumping? Didn't you hear us?" The frog explained to them that he was deaf. He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.

This story teaches two lessons:

1. There is power of life and death in the tongue.
An encouraging word to someone who is down can
lift them up and help them make it through the day.

2. A destructive word to someone who is down can
be what it takes to kill them. Be careful of what you
say. Speak life to those who cross your path.

FAMILY

I ran into a stranger as he passed by. "Oh, excuse me please" was my reply. He said, "Please excuse me too; wasn't even watching for you." We were very polite, this stranger and I. We went on our way and we said good-bye. But at home a different story is told, How we treat our loved ones, young and old.

Later that day, cooking the evening meal, My daughter stood beside me very still. When I turned, I nearly knocked her down. "Move out of the way," I said with a frown. She walked away, her little heart broken. I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken.

While I lay awake in bed, God's still small voice came to me and said, "While dealing with a stranger, common courtesy you use, But the children you love, you seem to abuse. Look on the kitchen floor, You'll find some flowers there by the door. Those are the flowers she brought for you. She picked them herself, pink, yellow and blue. She stood quietly not to spoil the surprise, And you never saw the tears in her eyes."

By this time, I felt very small And now my tears began to fall. I quietly went and knelt by her bed; "Wake up, little girl, wake up," I said. "Are these the flowers you picked for me?" She smiled, "I found 'em, out by the tree. I picked 'em because they're pretty like you. I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue."

I said, "Daughter, I'm sorry for the way I acted today; I shouldn't have yelled at you that way." She said, "Oh, Mom, that's okay. I love you anyway." I said, "Daughter, I love you too, and I do like the flowers, especially the blue."

Are you aware that: If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days. But the family we left behind will feel the lost for the rest of their lives. And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than to our family.

So what is behind the story? You know what is the full word of family?

FAMILY =
(F)ATHER
(A)ND
(M)OTHER,
(I)
(L)OVE
(Y)OU ?

Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.

Know the Shepherd

After a large dinner at one of Hollywood's stately mansions, a famous actor entertained the guests with stunning readings of Shakespeare. Then, as an encore, he offered to accept a request. A shy, older priest asked if he knew Psalm 23. The actor said, "Yes, I do and I will give it on one condition: that when I am finished you recite the very same psalm."

The priest was a little bit embarrassed but consented. The actor did a beautiful rendition ... "My shepherd is the Lord ... " The guests applauded loudly when the actor finished, and then it was the priest's turn. He got up and said the same words, but this time there was no applause, just a hushed silence and the beginning of a tear n several eyes.

The actor savored the silence for a few moments and then stood up. "Ladies and gentlemen," he said, " I hope you realized what happened tonight. I knew the words to the psalm, but this priest knows the Shepherd."

In Whose Hands

by Pastor J. Michael Walls, Jr.

A basketball in my hands is worth about $19.
A basketball in Michael Jordan's hands is worth about $33 million.
It depends whose hands it's in.

A baseball bat in my hands is worth about $6.
A baseball bat in Mark McGuire's hands is worth $19 million.
It depends whose hands it's in.

A tennis racket is useless in my hands.
A tennis racket in Pete Sampras' hands is a Wimbledon Championship.
It depends whose hands it's in.

A rod in my hands will keep away a wild animal.
A rod in Moses' hands will part the mighty sea.
It depends whose hands it's in.

A slingshot in my hands is a kid's toy.
A slingshot in David's hand is a mighty weapon.
It depends whose hands it's in.

Two fish and five loaves of bread in my hands is a couple of fish sandwiches.
Two fish and five loaves of bread in God's hands will feed thousands.
It depends whose hands it's in.

Nails in my hands might produce a birdhouse.
Nails in Jesus Christ's hands will produce salvation for the entire world.
It depends whose hands it's in.

As you see now it depends whose hands it's in. So put your concerns, your worries, your fears, your hopes, your dreams, your families and your relationships in God's hands because it depends whose hands it's in.

It's a Jungle Out There

by Gary Richmond

God has designed thousands of ways for members of the animal kingdom to come into existence, but in my estimation the birth of the baby giraffe is out of all births the most impressive. See it once and you'll never forget.

The zoo health center was called at 9:30 A.M. and we were informed that the female Angola giraffe was giving birth. If the veterinarian and I wanted to watch we could. Neither of us had ever witnessed a giraffe birth before, so we headed quickly for the giraffe barn. We parked and walked quietly to a spot where about seven of us were afforded an earthbound view of an elevated event. I sat on a bale of hay next to Jack Badal, a man considered by most of us to be the greatest animal keeper alive. He was a man of a few and well-chosen words, and when I sat down, he only nodded and continued to suck the sweetness from the alfalfa stem he had pulled from the hay bale on which we sat.

I noticed the calf's front hooves and head were already visible and dripping with amniotic fluids. I also noticed that the mother was standing up. "When is she going to sit down?" I said to Jack, who still hasn't said anything.

"She won't," he answered.

"But her hindquarters are nearly ten feet off the ground. That calf might get hurt from the fall," I said. Jack just gave me that look that told me I had probably said something that revealed my ignorance.

I wondered why no plans were being made to procure a fireman's net to catch the baby, so I asked, "Listen, Gary," he said. "You can go try to catch the calf if you want, but remember that its mother has enough strength in her hind legs to kick your head off, which is what she'll do if you get anywhere near that calf. Giraffes have killed lions that tried to get their calves."

I was able to sit quietly for a while and observed the calf's journey down the birth canal. Its neck and front legs was fully extended and dangling freely, ten feet above the hard ground on which it was soon to fall. It seemed unbelievable to me that in just a few minutes this newborn was going to be introduced to such a trauma. Ten feet! To the hard ground! ( It had taken me twelve years to get up the nerve to jump off a high-dive about ten feet into clear deep water. This giraffe calf was going to top that during its first 30 minutes of visible existence. )

The moment we had anticipated was not a disappointment. The calf, a plucky male, hurled forth, falling ten feet and landing on his back. Within seconds, he rolled to an upright position with his legs tucked under his body. From this position he considered the world for the first time, shaking some of the last vestiges of birthing fluids from his eyes and ears.

The mother giraffe lowered her head long enough to take a quick look. Then she positioned herself so that she was standing directly over her calf. She waited for about a minute and then did the most unreasonable thing. She swung her pendulous leg outward and kicked her baby so that it was sent sprawling head over heels (or hooves in this case).

I turned to Jack and exclaimed, "Why'd she do that?"

"She wants it to get up, and if it doesn't, she'll do it again."

Jack was right -- the violent process was repeated again and then again. The struggle to rise was momentous, and as the baby grew tired of trying, the mother would again stimulate its efforts with a hearty kick.

Finally amidst the cheers of the animal care staff, the calf stood for the first time. Wobbly, for sure, but it stood. Then we were struck silent when she kicked if off its feet again.

Jack's face was the only one not expressing astonishment. "She wants it to remember how it got up," he offered. "That's why she knocked it down. In the wild it would need to get up as soon as possible to follow the herd. The mother needs the herd, too. Lions, hyenas, leopards, and hunting dogs all would enjoy a young giraffe. They'd get it, too, if the mother didn't teach her baby to get up quickly and get with it."

Jack then waved good-bye with his alfalfa stem and returned to his section of the zoo to care for his animals, something he did better than anyone I have ever known.

A Sermon Walking

One afternoon in 1953, reporters and officials gathered at a Chicago railroad station to await the arrival of the 1952 Nobel Peace Prize winner. He stepped off the train -- a giant of a man, six-feet-four, with bushy hair and a large moustache.

As cameras flashed, city officials approached with hands outstretched and began telling him how honoured they were to meet him. He thanked them politely and then, looking over their heads, asked if he could be excused for a moment. He walked through the crowd with quick strides until he reached the side of an elderly black woman who was struggling as she tried to carry two large suitcases.

He picked up the bags in his big hands, and, smiling, escorted the woman to a bus. As he helped her aboard, he wished her a safe journey. Meanwhile, the crowd tagged along behind him. He turned to them and said, "Sorry to have kept you waiting."

The man was Dr. Albert Schweitzer, the famous missionary-doctor, who had spent his life helping the poorest of the poor in Africa. A member of the reception committee said to one of the reporters: "That's the first time I ever saw a sermon walking."

Pressure

He raises a glass of water and asks the audience "How heavy
do you think this glass of water is?"

"It depends on how long you hold it"

"If I hold it for a minute, it is Ok."

"If I hold it for an hour, I will have an ache in my right arm"

"If I hold it for a day, you will have to call an ambulance"

"It is the exact same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes"

If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, we will not be able to carry on, the burden becoming increasingly heavier.

"What you have to do is to put the glass down, rest for a while before holding it up again."

We have to put down the burden periodically, so that we can be refreshed and are able to carry on. When you return home from work, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it into your home. You can pick it up tomorrow.

Rest and relax.

Two Monks

Tanzan and Ekido were once travelling together down a muddy road. A heavy rain saturated the area. Coming around a bend, they met a lovely girl in a silk kimono unable to cross the mired intersection.

"Come here, girl," said Tanzan at once. Lifting her in his arms, he carried her over the slimy ooze and set her down on the other side.

Ekido did not speak again until that night when reached a lodging temple. Then he could no longer restrain himself. " We monks don't go near females," he told Tanzan, "especially not young and lovely ones. It is dangerous. Why did you do that?"

"I left the girl back there," said Tanzan, "Are you still carrying her with you?"

Where Are You Lord?

by Brewer Mattocks

The parish priest in a town named Austerity climbed way up in the church's steeple to be nearer to God. He wanted to hand down God's Word to his parishioners, like Moses of Old. Then, one day he indeed thought he heard God says something.

The priest cried aloud from the steeple, "Where are you, Lord? I can't seem to hear your voice clearly."

And the Lord replied, "I'm down here among my people. Where are you?"

Perspective

If you own just one Bible, you are abundantly blessed 1/3 of the world does not have access to even one.

If you woke up this morning with more health than illness, you are more blessed than the million who will not survive the week.

If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture or the pangs of starvation, you are ahead of 500 million people around the world.

If you attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest or torture of death, you are more blessed that almost three billion people in the world..

If you have food in your refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof over your head and a place to sleep, you are richer than 75% of this world.

If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace, you are among the top 8% of the worlds wealthy.

If your parents are still married and alive, you are very rare, even in the United States.

If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly thankful, you are blessed because the majority can, but most do not.

If you can hold someone's hand, hug them or even touch them on the shoulder, you are blessed because you can offer God's healing touch.

If you prayed yesterday and today, you are in the minority because you believe in God's willingness to hear and answer prayer.

If you believe in Jesus as the Son of God, you are part of a very small minority in the world.

If you can read this message, you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read anything at all.

The Day Philip joined the group

by Paul Harvey

He was 9—in a Sunday school class of 8-year-olds. Eight-year-olds can be cruel. The third-graders did not welcome Philip to their group. Not just because he was older. He was “different.”

He suffered from Down’s syndrome and its obvious manifesta­tions: facial characteristics, slow responses, symptoms of retardation.

One Sunday after Easter the Sunday school teacher gathered some of those plastic eggs that pull apart in the middle—the kind in which some ladies’ pantyhose are packaged.

The Sunday school teacher gave one of these plastic eggs to each child.

On that beautiful spring day each child was to go outdoors and discover for himself some symbol of “new life” and place that symbolic seed or leaf or whatever inside his egg.

They would then open their eggs one by one, and each young­ster would explain how his find was a symbol of “new life.”

So...

The youngsters gathered ‘round on the appointed day and put their eggs on a table, and the teacher began to open them.

One child had found a flower.

All the children “oohed” and “aahed” at the lovely symbol of new life.

In another was a butterfly. “Beautiful,” the girls said. And it’s not easy for an 8-year-old to say “beautiful.”

Another egg was opened to reveal a rock. Some of the children laughed.

“That’s crazy!” one said. “How’s a rock supposed to be like a ‘new life’?”

Immediately a little boy spoke up and said, “That’s mine. I knew everybody would get flowers and leaves and butterflies and all that stuff, so I got a rock to be different.”

Everyone laughed.

The teacher opened the last one, and there was nothing inside.

“That’s not fair,” someone said. “That’s stupid,” said another.

Teacher felt a tug on his shirt. It was Philip. Looking up he said, “It’s mine. I did do it. It’s empty. I have new life because the tomb is empty.”

The class fell silent.

From that day on Philip became part of the group. They welcomed him. Whatever had made him different was never mentioned again.

Philip’s family had known he would not live a long life; just too many things wrong with the tiny body. That summer, overcome with infection, Philip died.

On the day of his funeral nine 8-year-old boys and girls confronted the reality of death and marched up to the altar—not with flowers.

Nine children with their Sunday school teacher placed on the casket of their friend their gift of love—an empty egg.

Welcome Aboard

On a British Airways flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South African lady has found herself sitting next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.

"What seems to be the problem, Madam?" asked the attendant.

"Can't you see?" she said, "You've sat me next to a kafir. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!"

"Please calm down, Madam." the stewardess replied. "The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class".

The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers). A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self-satisfied grin.

"Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class".

Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues: "It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit next such an obnoxious person."

With that, she turned to the black man and said: "So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you..."

At which point, the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing ovation while the man walked to the front of the plane . . .

"Happy Birthday"

by Bill Wilson

A few weeks ago Chris Blake, our Sunday school director, brought in an old plastic bag that was given to him by one of the younger kids on his bus route. The boy told Chris, “Here, I want you to give this to someone who is homeless.”

The bag was filled with an odd assortment of well-worn clothes and tattered toys he had collected. “If they don’t have a home, they probably don’t have enough to wear. And their kids probably need some things to play with.”

What impressed Chris was the fact that this little boy was perhaps the poorest child on his entire bus route.

This is the kind of child who makes our journey such a joy.

On my birthday a little boy on my bus route gave me a card. It was a used card. The corners were dog-eared, and it was bent and smudged. Someone else’s name had been erased and mine put in its place. Here’s what it said on the front:

Happy Birthday!
You are Three!

But on the inside he had scribbled the words, “Pastor Bill, I love you.”

Birthday presents don’t get any better than that.

I don't want to go home

The bus was almost empty. The day’s second session of Sunday school was over, and I was driving my load of kids back to their Bushwick tenement buildings. When I stopped in front of Jose’s building, the little boy wouldn’t get off the bus. He looked at the floor and sat motionless.

Hurry up, Jose. It’s time to go.

He didn’t budge from the bus seat very unusually, because he’s usually the main talker and wanderer on the bus.

Is something wrong? I wanted to know as I pulled the bus to the side of the curb.

Jose didn’t say a word, but I sensed the boy needed some special attention. His quietness was too abnormal.

Would you like for me to walk you to the door? I asked, taking him by the hand.

He nodded, and we began to climb the three flights of stairs to his apartment. When we reached his floor he began to squeeze my hand as if he didn’t want to let go.

I sat down on the top step, and Jose threw his arms around my neck and said, I don’t want to go home.

Why not? I asked.

He pulled up his T-shirt, and I saw that the word Jose had been freshly carved into his stomach with a knife. I learned that the man his mother was living with had done it.

“I don’t want to go in,” he said as he began to cry. “I want to go home with you.”

On that dismal stairway I realized that I did not come to New York’s ghettos to reach ten thousand or even a hundred thousand children. I came for Jose. You see the masses. And you have to think in those terms. But the masses are made up of individuals.

Even though I made arrangements for Jose to go to Puerto Rico to live with his grandmother I can still see his face. He’s one out of a thousand. But we were there for him when he needed us the most.

The Power of Prayer

Have you ever felt the urge to pray for someone and then just put it on a list and said, "I'll pray for them later?" Or has anyone ever called you and said, "I need you to pray for me, I have this need?" Read the following story that was sent to me and may it change the way that you may think about prayer and also the way you pray. You will be blessed by this one.

A missionary on furlough told this true story while visiting his home church in Michigan ... While serving at a small field hospital in Africa, every two weeks I traveled by bicycle through the jungle to a nearby city for supplies. This was a journey of two days and required camping overnight at the halfway point. On one of these journeys, I arrived in the city where I planned to collect money from a bank, purchase medicine and supplies, and then begin my two-day journey back to the field hospital.

Upon arrival in the city, I observed two men fighting, one of whom had been seriously injured. I treated him for his injuries and at the same time talked to him about the Lord Jesus Christ. I then traveled two days, camping overnight, and arrived home without incident. Two weeks later I repeated my journey. Upon arriving in the city, I was approached by the young man I had treated. He told me that he had known I carried money and medicines.

He said, "Some friends and I followed you into the jungle, knowing you would camp overnight. We planned to kill you and take your money and drugs. But just as we were about to move into your camp, we saw that you were surrounded by 26 armed guards." At this I laughed and said that I was certainly all alone out in that jungle campsite.

The young man pressed the point, however, and said, "No sir, I was not the only person to see the guards. My five friends also saw them, and we all counted them. It was because of those guards that we were afraid and left you alone."

At this point in the sermon, one of the men in the congregation jumped to his feet and interrupted the missionary and asked if he could tell him the exact day that this happened. The missionary told the congregation the date, and the man who interrupted told him this story:

"On the night of your incident in Africa, it was morning here and I was preparing to go play golf. I was about to putt when I felt the urge to pray for you. In fact, the urging of the Lord was so strong, I called men in this church to meet with me here in the sanctuary to pray for you. Would all of those men who met with me on that day stand up?"

The men who had met together to pray that day stood up. The missionary wasn't concerned with who they were - he was too busy counting how many men he saw. There were 26.

Judge me by the footprints I leave behind

A story is told about a soldier who was finally coming home after having fought in Vietnam. He called his parents from San Francisco.

"Mom and Dad, I'm coming home, but I've got a favor to ask. I have a friend I'd like to bring with me."

"Sure," they replied, "we'd love to meet him."

"There's something you should know," the son continued, "he was hurt pretty badly in the fighting. He stepped on a land mine and lost an arm and a leg. He has nowhere else to go, and I want him to come live with us."

"I'm sorry to hear that, son. Maybe we can help him find somewhere to live."

"No, Mom and Dad, I want him to live with us."

"Son," said the father, "you don't know what you're asking. Someone with such a handicap would be a terrible burden on us. We have our own lives to live, and we can't let some-thing like this interfere with our lives. I think you should just come home and forget about this guy. He'll find a way to live on his own."

At that point, the son hung up the phone. The parents heard nothing more from him.

A few days later, however, they received a call from the San Francisco police. Their son had died after falling from a building, they were told.

The police believed it was suicide. The grief-stricken parents flew to San Francisco and were taken to the city morgue to identify the body of their son. They recognized him, but to their horror they also discovered something they didn't know.

Their son had only one arm and one leg.

An Afternoon in the Park

There once was a little boy who wanted to meet God. He knew it was a long trip to where God lived, so he packed his suitcase with Twinkies and a six-pack of root beer and he started his journey.

When he had gone about three blocks, he met an old woman. She was sitting in the park just staring at some pigeons. The boy sat down next to her and opened his suitcase. He was about to take a drink from his root beer when he noticed that the old lady looked hungry, so he offered her a Twinkie. She gratefully accepted it and smiled at him. Her smile was so pretty that the boy wanted to see it again, so he offered her a root beer. Once again she smiled at him. The boy was delighted!

They sat there all afternoon eating and smiling, but they never said a word.

As it began to grow dark, the boy realized how tired he was and he got up to leave. He turned around, ran back to the old woman and gave her a hug. She gave him her biggest smile ever.

When the boy opened the door to his own house a short time later, his mother was surprised by the look of joy on his face.

She asked him, "What did you do today that made you so happy?"

He replied, "I had lunch with God. You know what? She's got the most beautiful smile I've ever seen!"

Meanwhile, the old woman, also radiant with joy, returned to her home.

Her son was stunned by the look of peace on her face and he asked, "Mother, what did you do today that made you so happy?"

She replied, "I ate Twinkies in the park with God. You know, he's much younger than I expected."

Is Your Hut Burning?

The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him, and every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming. Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions.

But then one day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky. The worst had happened; everything was lost. He was stunned with grief and anger. "God, how could you do this to me!" he cried.

Early the next day, however, he was awakened by the sound of a ship that was approaching the island. It had come to rescue him. "How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers. "We saw your smoke signal," they replied.

It is easy to get discouraged when things are going bad, but we shouldn't lose heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in the midst of pain and suffering. Remember, next time your little hut is burning to the ground ----it just may be a smoke signal that summons the grace of God.

For all the negative things we have to say to ourselves, God has a positive answer for it:

You say: "It's impossible"
God says: All things are possible (Luke 18:27)

You say: "Nobody really loves me"
God says: I love you (John 3:16 & John 13:34)

You say: "I can't go on"
God says: My grace is sufficient
(II Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm 91:15)

You say: "I can't figure things out"
God says: I will direct your steps (Proverbs 3:5-6)

You say: "I can't do it"
God says: You can do all things (Philippians 4:13)

You say: "I'm not able"
God says: I am able (II Corinthians 9:8)

You say: "It's not worth it"
God says: It will be worth it (Roman 8:28)

You say: "I can't forgive myself"
God says: I FORGIVE YOU (I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)

You say: "I can't manage"
God says: I will supply all your needs (Philippians 4:19)

You say: "I'm afraid"
God says: I have not given you a spirit of fear
(II Timothy 1:7)

You say: "I'm always worried and frustrated"
God says: Cast all your cares on ME (I Peter 5:7)

You say: "I don't have enough faith"
God says: I've given everyone the measure of faith (Romans 12:3)

You say: "I'm not smart enough"
God says: I give you wisdom (I Corinthians 1:30)

You say: "I feel all alone"
God says: I will never leave you or forsake you
(Hebrews 13:5)

The duck

In his book, "Will Daylight Come?" Robert Heffler pens this moving illustration.

There was a little boy visiting his grandparents on their farm. And he was given a slingshot to play without in the woods. He practiced in the woods, but he could never hit the target. And getting a little discouraged; he headed back to dinner. As he was walking back he saw Grandma's pet duck. Just out of impulse, he let the slingshot fly, hit the duck square in the head, and killed it. He was shocked and grieved.

In a panic, he hid the dead duck in the wood pile, only to see his sister watching. Sally had seen it all, but she said nothing. After lunch that day Grandma said, "Sally, let's wash the dishes." But Sally said, "Grandma, Johnny told me he wanted to help in the kitchen." Then she whispered to him, remember the duck? So Johnny did the dishes. Later that day, Grandpa asked if the children wanted to fishing and Grandma said, "I'm sorry but I need Sally to help make supper." But Sally just smiled and said, "Well that's all right because Johnny told me he wanted to help." She whispered again, remember the duck? So Sally went fishing and Johnny stayed to help.

After several days of Johnny doing both his chores and Sally's he finally couldn't stand it any longer. He came to Grandma and confessed that he had killed the duck. Grandma knelt down, gave him a hug, and said, "Sweetheart, I know. You see I was standing at the window and I saw the whole thing. But because I love you, I forgave you. I was just wondering how long you would let Sally make a slave of you."

The Bricks of Life

About ten years ago, a young and very successful executive named Josh was traveling down a Chicago neighborhood street. He was going a bit too fast in his sleek, black Jaguar XKE, which was only two months old. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something. As his car passed, no child darted out, but a brick sailed out and WHUMP! it smashed into the Jag's shiny black side door! SCREECH...!!!! Brakes slammed! Gears ground into reverse, and tires madly spun the Jaguar back to the spot from where the brick had been thrown.

Josh jumped out of the car, grabbed the kid and pushed him up against a parked car. He shouted at the kid, "What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing?!" Building up a head of steam, he went on. "That's my new Jag, That brick you threw is gonna cost you a lot of money. Why did you throw it?"

"Please, mister, please..I'm sorry! I didn't know what else to do!" pleaded the youngster. "I threw the brick because no one else would stop" Tears were dripping down the boys chin as he pointed around the parked car. It's my brother, mister," he said. "He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up." Sobbing, the boy asked the executive, "Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me."

Moved beyond words, the young executive tried desperately to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. Straining he lifted the young man back into the wheelchair and took out his handkerchief and wiped the scrapes and cuts, checking to see that everything was going to be OK. He then watched the younger brother push him down the sidewalk toward their home. It was a long walk back to the sleek, black, shining 12 cylinder Jaguar XKE --- a long and slow walk. Josh never did fix the side door of his Jaguar. He kept the dent to remind him not to go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at him to get his attention... Some bricks are softer than others. Feel for the bricks of life coming at you.

The Old Man and the Sea

After a few of the usual Sunday evening hymns, the church's pastor once again slowly stood up, walked over to the pulpit, and gave a very brief introduction of his childhood friend. With that, an elderly man stepped up to the pulpit to speak.

"A father, his son, and a friend of his son were sailing off the Pacific Coast," he began, "when a fast approaching storm blocked any attempt to get back to shore. The waves were so high, that even though the father was an experienced sailor, he could not keep the boat upright, and the three were swept into the ocean."

The old man hesitated for a moment, making eye contact with two teenagers who were, for the first time since the service began, looking somewhat interested in his story.

He continued, "Grabbing a rescue line, the father had to make the most excruciating decision of his life....to which boy he would throw the other end of the line. He only had seconds to make the decision. The father knew that his son was a Christian, and he also knew that his son's friend was not. The agony of his decision could not be matched by the torrent of waves. As the father yelled out, 'I love you, son!' he threw the line to his son's friend. By the time he pulled the friend back to the capsized boat, his son had disappeared beyond the raging swells into the black of night. His body was never recovered."

By this time, the two teenagers were sitting straighter in the pew, waiting for the next words to come out of the old man's mouth.

"The father," he continued, "knew his son would step into eternity with Jesus, and he could not bear the thought of his son's friend stepping into an eternity without Jesus. Therefore, he sacrificed his son. How great is the love of God that He should do the same for us." With that, the old man turned and sat back down in his chair as silence filled the room. Within minutes after the service ended, the two teenagers were at the old man's side.

"That was a nice story," politely started one of the boys, "but I don't think it was very realistic for a father to give up his son's life in hopes that the other boy would become a Christian."

"Well, you've got a point there," the old man replied, glancing down at his worn Bible. A big smile broadened his narrow face, and he once again looked up at the boys and said," It sure isn't very realistic, is it? But I'm standing here today to tell you that THAT story gives me a glimpse of what it must have been like for God to give up His Son for me."

"You see ... I was the son's friend."

The Ant and the Contact Lens

A true story by Josh and Karen Zarandona

Brenda was a young woman who was invited to go rock climbing. Although she was scared to death, she went with her group to a tremendous granite cliff. In spite of her fear, she put on the gear, took a hold on the rope, and started up the face of that rock. Well, she got to a ledge where she could take a breather. As she was hanging on there, the safety rope snapped against Brenda's eye and knocked out her contact lens. Well, here she is on a rock ledge, with hundreds of feet below her and hundreds of feet above her. Of course, she looked and looked and looked, hoping it had landed on the ledge, but it just wasn't there.

Here she was, far from home, her sight now blurry. She was desperate and began to get upset, so she prayed to the Lord to help her to find it. When she got to the top, a friend examined her eye and her clothing for the lens, but there was no contact lens to be found. She sat down, despondent, with the rest of the party, waiting for the rest of them to make it up the face of the cliff. She looked out across range after range of mountains, thinking of that Bible verse that says, "The eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth." She thought, "Lord, You can see all these mountains. You know every stone and leaf, and You know exactly where my contact lens is. Please help me."

Finally, they walked down the trail to the bottom. At the bottom there was a new party of climbers just starting up the face of the cliff. One of them shouted out, "Hey, you guys! Anybody lose a contact lens?" Well, that would be startling enough, but you know why the climber saw it? An ant was moving slowly across the face of the rock, carrying it.

Brenda told me that her father is a cartoonist. When she told him the incredible story of the ant, the prayer, and the contact lens, he drew a picture of an ant lugging that contact lens with the words, "Lord, I don't know why You want me to carry this thing. I can't eat it, and it's awfully heavy. But if this is what You want me to do, I'll carry it for You." I think it would probably do some of us good to occasionally say, "God, I don't know why you want me to carry this load. I can see no good in it and it's awfully heavy. But, if you want me to carry it, I will." God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

What is Faith?

"Faith is to believe what we do not see, and the reward of faith is to see what we believe." -- Saint Augustine

The fields were parched and brown from lack of rain, and the crops lay wilting from thirst. People were anxious and irritable as they searched the sky for any sign of relief. Days turned into arid weeks. No rain came.

The ministers of the local churches called for an hour of prayer on the town square the following Saturday. They requested that everyone bring an object of faith for inspiration.

At high noon on the appointed Saturday the towns-people turned out in mass, filling the square with anxious faces and hopeful hearts. The ministers were touched to see the variety of objects clutched in prayerful hands - holy books, crosses, rosaries.

When the hour ended, as if on magical command, a soft rain began to fall. Cheers swept the crowd as they held their treasured objects high in gratitude and praise. From the middle of the crowd one faith symbol seemed to overshadow all the others. A small nine-year-old child had brought an umbrella.

Biblical One-liners

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruthless
Read the whole story in Ruth

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Read the whole story in Genesis

Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Read the whole story in Exodus

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's
Triumph was heard throughout the land. Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Read the whole story in Judges 13:24-16:30

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer
lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Read the whole story in Genesis

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Read the whole story in Exodus

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Read the whole story in 1 Samuel 17:20-54

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.